Finally
by Toreax
Summary: Leonardo reflects on his life like he does most of his "life". When he is finally pushed over the edge, he gets what he wishes for.


**Warnings: Depression, suicide, self-harming, self-hate**

Leonardo's gray eyes raked over the city. It was daylight, the sun shrouded by dark clouds for an oncoming storm. The wind was subtle, blowing his mask tails slightly, but strong enough to bring more water to his already teary eyes. His chest was tight, almost constricting his heart. His breathing was shallow from the fast run and the emotional turmoil that buzzed inside, threatening to spill over.

He wasn't sure why he was like the way he was, his personality, that is. He had given up his personal life to care and protect his brothers when he was young, around nine years old, when he was given the title leader. He wasn't sure that his brothers wouldn't be proud or supporting for the pressure. They were angry and resentful towards him just because they were mad that they didn't get to be leader.

Today was just the worst of all.

_He had been in the kitchen, drinking tea while his two youngest brothers continued to avert the eyes and angered gazes from hours previous. Leonardo wasn't really sure what to do. He had taken away Mikey's game device because he was spending too much time on it. He had asked Don if he needed any assistance and destroyed Don's newest research that he had been working very hard on. _

_He apologized to both of them numerous times, but they either ignored him rudely or made a snarky comment, which had offended Leonardo a lot more than it would have a year ago. _

_Leonardo went to Master Splinter's room to beg for him to go see if Raphael was okay. _

"_Sensei, he's out with Casey. They could get into trouble very easily. Please, let me go check on him." _

_Splinter folded his hands behind his back and hung his head. "Leonardo, I assure you that Raphael would notify us if he was in any danger."_

"_But Sensei-."_

_Splinter's tail flicked impatiently. "You will not spy on Raphael, which is my final word."_

_Leonardo felt that Raphael was in trouble and he went anyway minutes later. He had to check on him. What if he was in trouble? What if they were outnumbered in an attack?_

_Leonardo tracked Raphael's location on his shell cell and the little red dot leads him to an alleyway. Purple Dragons swarmed the space and he could see Raph and Casey hiding in the shadows. He wasted no time and jumped down, effectively blowing their cover._

"_What the fuck, Leo?!" Raph shouted._

_Leo let out a relieved breathe. "You're not hurt."_

_Raph growled angrily and swiped his Sai at another Dragon. "Of course not! I don't need you watching me all the time! It's fucking annoying! You blew our cover!"_

"_I-I didn't mean to!" Leo defended._

"_Well you should've just stayed home and be your boring self!"_

_They had headed home in tense silence, dropping Casey off at his apartment. No words were said, but Leonardo could tell that his brother wanted to give him a serious tongue lashing._

_When they arrived home, Splinter had immediately called him to his room._

"_Leonardo, you have disobeyed my direct orders."_

_Leo clenched his fists. "I thought Raph was in trouble, Sensei. I just thought…"_

"_That doesn't mean you should ignore my instructions, Leonardo." Splinter looked over him in disappointment._

_Leonardo had headed out after being dismissed and he opened the entrance to the lair. He really needed some air._

_Raph's voice called out to him with hatred. "While you're out there, go get yourself killed!"_

Leonardo sighed. His brothers didn't understand what it was like to be the leader. He was always worried that they were in trouble, even if they were hanging around the lair. There was this ongoing heaviness placed on his shoulders that weighed him down.

His depression had become worse lately. He was sad all the time and felt lonely even if there was someone standing right next to him. He was always wondering what death would be like, which scared him at first, but now it was normal for his thoughts to wander that way.

He had thought about suicide multiple times. Before, he thought it was selfish, but now he understood why people counted on it when they felt like there was nowhere else to go. He didn't have anywhere else to go. Now, suicide seemed like heaven.

Looking down to the ground, he wandered why he just didn't throw himself off. He had tried once, but some Foot Clan had shown up behind him, distracting him from his very last moments. He had to take them out so they weren't there to harm his brothers.

His brothers didn't know that they were making his emotions worse and worse. From their terribly offensive remarks and insults, to their pushes and hard shoves whenever Leo had pissed them off from just being him.

Leonardo didn't have a self. He wasn't the family genius, the jokester, or the rebel. Hell, he wasn't even the leader anymore. His brothers obviously didn't think so. They thought he drove to be perfect and Fearless, which he didn't. He just wanted his families' approval. He knew he wasn't perfect and wasn't Fearless, not even close, and his brothers, even Mikey, reminded him of it every day.

He knew he wasn't perfect, never really wanted to be. As long as he was capable of keeping his brothers safe, he would do anything.

But he was cracking from the pressure.

Leonardo could actually feel his very being start to crack more and more from the constant worries and the insults. His brothers don't even see him as a brother anymore.

He was just some sort of weapon.

He had been searching desperately for a way to stop the sorrow, the worry, the self-hate and failures. Nothing he had tried had worked and he was just getting worse and worse every second. He was falling apart.

Leonardo shifted his weight and felt the twin katana on his back move along with him. His eyes widened.

With trembling hands, he reached back and unsheathed one of his swords. He held it firm as he set it gently on his thighs. It glinted in the scarce sunlight and looked as if asking to be used.

Leonardo brought his finger up the pointed edge of the blade and slowly pushed down. It broke through skin and there was a small sharp painful sensation, but it quickly faded away as fast as it came. He watched as the crimson blood trickled down his finger and smiled in relief as he felt his emotions flooding out also.

With a laugh, he untied his left arm wrap and greedily ran the sharp blade down from his wrist to elbow. The cut was deep, but he really didn't care. It was painful for a second and he winced, but the pain faded into a numb calmness and he felt all the bad and terrible emotions flow out of him. All the sadness…the weight…pressure…

He unwrapped his right wrap with frantic hands and did the same to his other forearm. The emotions fell from him and the blood. He laughed harder, grateful that he found something.

He found something that would make the emotional pain go away and Raphael would get his wish.

All he wanted to do was have his family be proud of him. He always wanted little brothers to look up to him, but they never did. He only wanted to make their wishes come true. Since he had defeated the Shredder, this was their new wish, he was granting it.

Leonardo continued to laugh until he was in tears. He held his stomach trying to make him stop, but continued to laugh. Soon he stopped and waited it out.

His skin visibly paled for the next few hours. He wanted to watch the sun go down in New York, his home, for one last time. It truly was beautiful with the melting oranges, yellows, and pinks. His blood continued to flee his body until there was barely any left.

He became dizzy, but didn't panic. He smiled warmly as the moon began to come up and laid down on his side to he could watch while leaving. He couldn't believe it! He was finally granting his families wish with his dying breathe! He could finally make his family happy!

"Finally,"

He closed his eyes with a soft smile and breathes his last breathe. It felt as if falling into a warm, comfy bed that had been waiting so long for him. And then, he knew nothing anymore.

He missed the concerned voices behind him.

**OMG, another one? Oh, well. Just to clear this up, the concerned voices at the end are his brothers. I know it is obvious, but someone might think it was humans or like Karai if any Leorai peoples are out there. I know I would get it confused. I'm posting way too many stories today. I just have to get everything onto my account so I can clear out my laptop. Toodles!**


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